Songs, for me, are often a work in progress. And unfortunately they almost never get completely finished. Songwriting, too, is a work in progress. And songwriting is my life. It isn’t a choice. It isn’t a career decision. It isn’t a hobby. It’s the only thing I know how to do. I take that back—it’s the only thing I feel required to do. I could be many things, but songwriting is the only thing I CAN do. I would italicize the word “can” but I’m writing this from my iPhone.
The point I’m getting at is that my entire life is a work in progress. That sounds absurdly cliche, but it’s true, and I’m fairly sure it’s true for everyone. The thing that bothers me is that I can’t effectively be a songwriter by my own standards as a work in progress. The progress I’m in is working towards being able to translate my thoughts and feelings into music.
That’s all I want to be able to do. I don’t want to make a ton of money through my music. I don’t want to leave an impression on the world. I just want to be able to take my thoughts and feelings and accurately convert them into music. And that’s something that takes years to master. It’s something I’m not close to, and it’s something I fear I will never reach.
I’ve written and recorded hundreds upon hundreds of songs, and I’d be lying if I said that those weren’t translations of my heart and soul. But it’s the accuracy that bothers me. Music is how I communicate, even with myself. Sure, I can communicate well with words, but it’s not natural. Music is natural to me. It feels like knowing a foreign language but not speaking it inherently. It feels like being unable to understand a part of yourself.
I don’t think understanding yourself is something everyone can do, but I need it. And I need to be able to make others understand me. The best way I can relate my experiences to others is through my music. I want others to understand me. Not through a logical explanation or a heartfelt conversation; I want them to hear my music and feel what I felt. I want to know that I’m not the only one out there who has felt these things, because, however irrational it may be, that’s what I fear.
