You know what I miss? Not constantly having pressure put on me to be someone else. Every time I be myself truly and completely, I’m unaccepted on some level by people I believed would accept me. And relationships—friendship or otherwise—never really develop when I wholly reveal myself from the start.
I don’t mean I want someone I can fart around, I have those people. I want someone I can be myself around. I don’t pretend to be someone else. I just half-heartedly put on a facade of some confident, stable, wise soul all the time. I am gaining confidence. I am gaining stability. I’m slowly getting as wise as an 18 year old can get. I know 99% of people don’t completely let people in. I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Here is the most honest description of myself I can give as possible:
I am lonely. I love being around people, especially friends, and true ones seem hard for me to come by.
I am insecure. I go in the bathroom at Highlands to make sure my hair doesn’t look stupid, and to make sure I don’t have any zits. I put a ton of thought into what I’m going to wear, and think of every possible way someone could think of me by my looks.
I sometimes forget to eat. But I also sometimes “forget” to eat. If you know what I mean. I hate the way my stomach looks, and I think I have big thighs. I think my eyes are too small.
I love being accepted. Not so much in the way of being in clubs or organizations, but moreso with groups of friends, and in a relationship. I love feeling incredibly lucky, because of being with someone I think I don’t deserve.
I love being infatuated with someone. Even if there’s a .001 percent chance of them feeling the same and it going anywhere, I don’t care.
I am generous to a fault. It fucks up my life at times, but I can’t help it.
Making other people happy makes me happy. It’s not very believable, but I don’t ever care if I get anything in return. I love when other people smile, wince their eyes, or laugh, because of me.
I’m afraid of confrontation. In school, I didn’t go a lot of the time for the sole reason that I didn’t want to deal with my teachers confronting me about NOT GOING TO SCHOOL. I was fine with the consequences, just not the interaction.
I get extremely invested in things. I will sacrifice every last shred of my own dignity for one purpose. I will sacrifice almost anything for a purpose I set to.
I love FEELING. Even feeling bad things. I will say “what the hell” and do things I know are not in my best interest, just to feel something. Especially with girls. If I KNOW I’m going to get hurt, I won’t stop.
I am extremely shy. At least at first. I absolutely hate this about me, but every time I try to be confident and out-going, I come off like an idiot.
Most of all, I love being loved. I fall in love with people’s faults and imperfections, and their good aspects.
Fuck, I need to finish this later.
